I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
The honesty is refreshing
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly