Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
You Might Also Like
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
*aggressively waits in line*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.