Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?