Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
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HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
#Caturday
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico