3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
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Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.