All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
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mechanics be like
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2