All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
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Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My toxic trait is consistently cutting off the resealable part of the bag of frozen vegetables.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.