Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.