Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Okay, I’m still confused…
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”