I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Ah yes. The three genders
I know this now 😂
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.