*feels the wind in my toe hair
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You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Seems legit
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.