if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Lmao the reply
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil