Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
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Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.