The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
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[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..