“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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Social distancing in Australia:
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Are you ok, human???
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8