Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I’ve been learning to cook.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.