The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.