Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Me, reading some of your tweets
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.