Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”