Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
There is no “we” in pizza
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious