Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
hackers play passwordle
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*