I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.