Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
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When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
synchronized noseblowing
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem