If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.