I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.
Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing