I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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smh
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan