Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
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screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”