Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
every single time
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
The pen is writier than the sword.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”