marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
you have three unread messages
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.