Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?