people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Why soy sad?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I only treason on days ending in y