Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I put the hot in psychotic.
termite twitter scares me
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.