ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
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political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
What flavor cupcake are these
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house