Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??