Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
![]()
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
![]()
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar