Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.