me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
getting corrected
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.