my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Oops
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”