“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
😏😏😏
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir