What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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That’s fair
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.