Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Me buying fruit and veg
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
same bro
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real