same bro
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
i hate you platonically
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss