I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
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My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.