When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
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Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
necessity is the mother of invention
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Velcrow
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.