When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
every. time.
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Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.