My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’m sorry…what?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.