*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
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You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Sniffing the broccoli
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Am I having a stroke?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it