when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one