Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
You Might Also Like
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I鈥檓 the funny one and my brother is the successful one
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I鈥檓 my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I鈥檇 always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
i love diet soda i don鈥檛 care if it gave rats tumours i鈥檓 way bigger and stronger than a rat
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn鈥檛 let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she鈥檚 trading me for a toaster.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats