My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
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Tell the colonel to bring it
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
when someone compliments me
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?