9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
You Might Also Like
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”