I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
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SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys