My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.