A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 馃憖
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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Teachers: You can鈥檛 write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: I think you鈥檙e going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! 鉂わ笍
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Death: I鈥檓 coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I鈥檓 not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You鈥檙e not even that hot.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Wifi so slow at my parent鈥檚 house that we actually got to know each other better.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That鈥檚 like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I鈥檝e had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that鈥檚 your bellybutton
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I鈥檒l need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I haven鈥檛 bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.