Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.